Those of us who are caught in the clutches of a Tiger Mother (think Amy Chua) may want to trade their mother in for a more playful model. Enter Kim Wong Keltner – a mom who wears a stylish apron with hot-pink trim, schedules playdates instead of piano lessons and, most importantly, doesn’t force-feed you caviar, go berserk over an occasional B, or threaten to burn your stuffed animals.
In her newest book Tiger Babies Strike Back: How I Was Raised by a Tiger Mom but Could Not Be Turned to the Dark Side (William Morrow, 2013), Keltner, a Chinese American, reveals how she was the product of rigorous, Asian-style parenting but decided that “smothering mothering” wouldn’t cut it when it came to raising her own daughter, Lucy.
Keltner’s own “Tiger Mom” is a pivotal figure in the book, and described as a highly efficient, no-nonsense drill sergeant. Yet Keltner’s mother is also emotionally distant and shuns physical displays of affection; in her vocabulary, “love” equals buying her adult daughter a ninety-six pack of toilet paper. It took Keltner several years and a move from her native San Francisco to Nevada City to fully extricate herself from her Tiger Mother’s iron grip and figure out what exactly it was that she wanted for herself, her daughter, and her non-Asian husband.
In her book, Keltner explains how the concept of “Tiger Parenting” is deeply rooted in Chinese culture. “Chinese people like to project success, and nothing less. If you’re unaccomplished, nothing special, or not too easy on the eyes, don’t think you can’t be deliberately omitted or photoshopped out of the family tree,” she writes about the harsh reality of growing up Chinese.
However, Keltner is a writer and mother who sets realistic expectations for herself and her family. As a foil to herself and a warning about the adverse effects of Tiger Parenting, she introduces the example of bestselling Chinese American author Iris Chang, the offspring of superachieving Chinese immigrant parents. Chang committed suicide, apparently after holding herself to standards that were too high.
Although the book’s main theme is to be or not to be a Tiger Parent, Keltner also addresses topics such as racism, gender roles and cultural differences, and the deliciously fluent, neither-here-nor-there feeling of being Chinese American.
Tiger Babies is Keltner’s fourth book and is dedicated to her nine-year-old daughter Lucy. Her previous works are The Dim Sum of All Things, Buddha Baby, and I Want Candy. She is currently living in Nevada City, California, from where she answers some questions about her book.
Q: What motivated you to write Tiger Babies Strike Back?
Keltner: I wanted to speak up for Asian kids who are not Number One. I wanted to show that you can be a successful person even if you didn’t go to Harvard, and that there is more to success than a perfect report card. Asian Americans are more well-rounded and complex than just homework robots. And I wanted readers to know that extremely strict parenting can be bad.
Q: How exactly would you define a “Tiger Baby”?
Keltner: A Tiger Baby is someone raised in a family where excellence and success are the only acceptable goals. But who is the one defining what is excellent? A Tiger Baby is a hard worker, but maybe can’t live up to the impossible standards of the parents. A Tiger Baby is more emotional and vulnerable than the parents can stand. We are the shy ones, the kids without perfect scores, but we are still valuable as human beings. We are kind and loving, but possibly ignored, and not respected.
Q: What moment(s) in your life prompted you to make the decision not to become a Tiger Mother yourself?
Keltner: When I was a kid I already knew that I wanted a family life with more hugs and emotional support. I never wanted my own child to feel as alone as I did.
Q: Your website shows a photo of you in a “Superwoman” costume, obviously a jab at the “Super Mom” who wants to produce super children. You have also put a photo of your family dolled up in Halloween costumes on your website. What image of your family do you wish to convey?
Keltner: I always see family photos where everyone looks posed and fake. The appearance of a perfect family always strikes me as being a performance. I wanted to poke fun at the idea of perfection. As for the “Superwoman” costume, I never thought of the connotations of that outfit. I just needed something to go with those gold boots!
Q: It is said that language is a carrier of culture. Do you think the fact that your Chinese parents raised you speaking only English influenced the way you are raising your daughter – namely in a more relaxed American, not strict Chinese way?
Keltner: That’s an interesting question. As you may know, the sound of the Chinese language does, in fact, sound more argumentative to the untrained ear. At least it does to me. Although my mother speaks English, it is with harsher intonations which, as a child, I always interpreted as being disapproving and scolding. I once told my mom to stop yelling at me, and she screamed, “This is my natural speaking voice!” So she was speaking English with the cadence of Cantonese. On television, the mothers always speak with much more of a sing-song English. No one was calling me “honey,” or “sweetie.” So despite the English language, the “strict Chinese way” of parenting still came across loud and clear through intonation, gestures, and body language.
Q: Your husband is a non-Asian, white American. Do you ever have conflicts as regards parenting, or do you completely harmonize?
Keltner: We are mostly in harmony. When we have disagreements it is not because of a cultural divide, but mostly the classic male-female issues. He doesn’t always understand our daughter’s meticulous attention to detail in drawing, clothing, or in her play ideas. And like a guy, he thinks making a sandwich on a tortilla is just as good as on bread. Of course, there is really nothing wrong with that, but he doesn’t see that to a kid, that’s just weird. And I don’t like the way he doesn’t sort the laundry – just shoves everything in the washer all together, not even removing keys, tissues, or candy bars out of the pockets first. As for him, he hates that I can’t kill bugs by myself. I wake him up and make him do it.
Q: How would you persuade a die-hard follower of “Tiger Parenting” in one paragraph that your parenting approach is superior?
Keltner: I would hesitate to say “superior.” It sounds dramatic to say one way is best, and to denounce others, but I think most parents are finding that moderation is important. As for how Tiger Parenting falls short, I’d point out that no child can ultimately feel good if they are constantly berated and belittled. You can perform well for a little while, maybe even for years. However, a child will learn to hate the parent, or at the very least, to detach from them. And is “success” worth ruining all of the child’s human relationships? You can get straight A’s but the emotional detachment you learn to protect yourself influences the later ability (or inability) to make friends and sustain romantic relationships. When you look at news stories about China, they are first about money and millionaires, and secondly about how no one can find romantic partners. People sign up for dating sites as if going to job fairs. They are socially clueless. Tiger Parents might think, money and success should come first, then romance later. But if you crush your kids’ sense of self early on, neither money nor relationships will ultimately help them find happiness. I know a lot of Chinese American professionals who are rich, lonely, and miserable.
Q: What kind of adult do you hope your daughter Lucy will become?
Keltner: I want her to be a balanced person. She can have good qualities of both East and West – hardworking, determined, and humble, as well as emotionally open, spontaneous, and fun. To be able to learn new things at any age in life, and also to be kind and compassionate, goes beyond specific cultures.
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